Critical Analysis of
His Needs, Her Needs¹

In a course on pre-marital counseling, one expects to find material which will help a prospective husband and wife understand the marriage design, the type of issues they will face, and their respective roles and responsibilities.  This book focuses on the roles and responsibilities a couple must accept and engage in order to build a successful marriage relationship.  Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. has been a practicing marriage counselor for over twenty-five years.  His experience in this practice contributes the bulk of the material presented.  While Dr. Harley does claim to be a Christian, the book itself does not propose a biblical framework for understanding or resolving the issues of marriage relationships.  This became quite frustrating to me in studying this material.  I will address this weakness in more detail later.  Instead, he points out the differences between the felt needs of men and women and establishes an urgent requirement for every husband and wife to work diligently to meet those felt needs of their spouse.

As a general assessment of this work, I can say that the felt needs he lists for men and for women are generally true of each sex.  Women do crave affection more than sex, conversation more than recreation, honesty and openness more than external appearances, financial support more than domestic support, and a strong family commitment.  Men do crave sexual fulfillment more than affection (what husband has never heard his wife complain that he cannot simply "cuddle" with her?), sporting activities more than talk, an attractive wife and an admiring wife more than working tirelessly for money that leaves the billfold faster than it enters.  These things are generally true of men and women.  Dr. Harley makes an excellent point that both the man and the woman enter into marriage giving the other the exclusive right to meet their needs.  As a result, the husband and the wife are each totally dependent on the other to meet those needs (this assumes only godly means will be accepted).  As an overarching theme to this book, I concur with Dr. Harley that a husband and wife must work diligently to meet the deep needs of the other in order for the marriage to thrive and endure.

The means for understanding and addressing these needs is the "love-bank" concept.  Dr. Harley presents each need as an account in one's love-bank that can have deposits and withdrawals.  Make lots of deposits and your mate will love you to death.  Make lots of withdrawals and your mate will have an affair.  This is the basic thrust of the book.  In fact, Dr. Harley insists that your performance must meet all five of the felt needs of your spouse to be effective -- four out of five will put your entire marriage in jeopardy.  I do not presume to dispute Dr. Harley's experience in his many years of counseling couples.  It does describe the situation for many married couples who cannot seem to get along with one another.

The difficulty with the love-bank is that it is totally devoid of any biblical basis that I find in Scripture.  The love-bank is a selfish view of love, human-centered, and devoid of any spiritual motivation or power.  It is a concept, as presented by Dr. Harley, that if you do this for me, I will do this for you, and everything will be fine.  If you fail to meet those needs, I will be forced to go outside the relationship to meet them.  Dr. Harley does make weak statements from time to time that he does not approve of this.  Yet he fails to offer the proper admonishment for such behavior.  The Bible clearly calls such action sin, which requires repentance on the part of the individual.  Dr. Harley's book seems to discuss such sins from purely a behavioral view, disregarding the spiritual implications or solutions.

Godly love, on the other hand, is a decision to meet the needs of another regardless of the cost or the potential response to it.  Our love for one another cannot be rooted in the felt needs being met by our spouse.  Rather, our love is motivated and propelled by the unfailing love of Christ (John 31:34-35; 2 Cor. 5:14; Rom. 5:8).  No other motivation for love will produce consistency or endurance in this life but the motivation of the One who loved me and gave Himself completely for me (Gal. 2:20).  This means that I can love my spouse even when my spouse is cold, cruel, or angry towards me.  This means that I do not have to seek an affair to meet my felt needs because I am completely loved by the Creator of all things who has promised to meet all my needs (Phil. 4:19) and will always deliver.  While God certainly intends for the spouse to meet many of those needs, He will step in when the spouse fails.  This kind of motivation and spiritual power in the marriage relationship is totally missing from Dr. Harley's book.  This is a tremendous deficiency in this work in my opinion.  It relegates His Needs, Her Needs to an equal status beside any number of other secular self-help books.

In discussing the various needs of the man and the woman, Dr. Harley begins with "her" need for affection.  Having been married to a great woman for nearly twenty years, I heartily concur that a woman craves non-sexual affection on the part of the husband.  "His" need, somewhat in juxtaposition to "her" need, is sexual fulfillment.  Again, I concur that this is an important need for the husband.  Perhaps it is a need for men that is just as much misunderstood and unappreciated by women as "her" need for affection is misunderstood and unappreciated by men.  Dr. Harley then goes on to give a brief primer on the physical act of sex.  I found this out of place since he was unable to provide sufficient coverage of this issue compared to the level of importance he placed on this particular need.  It would have been better to refer the reader to a bibliography of other books that are devoted exclusively to this topic.

The next need for women is the need for conversation.  Women need a companion who will just talk about people, events, dreams, or problems.  The woman desires one who will listen without being judgmental, without providing a pat answer, and without trying to rationalize and resolve the problem.  "Her" need is for understanding, empathy, and compassion rather than problem solving.  Men, as a rule have a difficult time simply talking in this manner.  Intimacy for the man tends to center on the physical aspect of the relationship.  Nevertheless, Dr. Harley points out an important truth at this juncture -- there is an interrelationship of the different needs between men and women.  "Her" desire for physical bonding is typically fueled by the intimacy produced in conversation.  Men must understand and strive to meet this need for conversation.

What can help the husband and wife develop in this area of conversation?  Dr. Harley suggests they examine how to overlap their respective spheres of interest.  This is a useful insight.  The man or woman does not have to resign from the activity of interest; rather one must find ways to include the spouse in at least part of their sphere of interest.  This serves two important goals: one is to help the couple with topics to discuss, and the other is to help the two grow closer together as their respective spheres of interest overlap.  The tips on conversation were helpful.  The recommendation that priorities be rearranged to make time to talk is not quite as helpful.  Dr. Harley provides no strategies for accomplishing this though he insists that the husband and wife spend fifteen hours a week communicating with one another.  It is an admirable goal toward which the couple can and should strive to meet.

The husband needs recreation, a "playmate" of sorts.  I have never thought of this as a particularly pressing need for a man to have in his wife but it has merit.  Moreover, Dr. Harley's idea of a husband and wife being best friends is a great one.  Building the friendship between husband and wife avoids potential isolation and diverging lifestyles that can fracture the marriage relationship.  In this chapter (five), Dr. Harley discusses the requirement of felt needs being met by the marriage partner much like the terms and conditions of a contract.  The wife must be the playmate of her husband as part of the "deal" or the "deal" is off.  This seems to contradict his overall goal of building strong marriages.  It would have been better not only in this chapter but also in others to specifically address the sin of selfishness and the violation of the marriage vow.  Dr. Harley carefully avoids both in his analysis of the problem.  Likewise, he presents a solution that addresses the behaviors without necessarily changing the underlying beliefs -- a short-term solution at best.

The need of the woman for honesty and openness is, in my opinion, a deep need for both spouses.  It increases the security of the woman in the relationship, to be sure.  Yet it also serves as a crucial foundation for trust for both the husband and the wife.

Should the man love a woman only when she looks attractive?  This is hardly a question deserving an answer in a book on building strong marriage relationships.  Yet, it is the major thrust of an entire chapter.  This, according to Dr. Harley, is a deep-felt need for most men.  I agree that a woman should do the best with what she has been given by God.  This is true for the man as well.  I do not believe it is as important a consideration as he states.  And it again ignores the true nature of love as a commitment rather than a feeling.  One who loves another only when that person "looks good" has a very superficial relationship.

Financial support is a strong need for most women.  A sense of security is derived from a husband who supports his wife financially.  Dr. Harley also points out an important truth about finances; you can learn to live on much less money if you need to do so.  The infamous budget is not a "necessary evil" but a "necessary good" for a strong marriage.  It provides stability in the area of finances that is difficult, if not impossible, to achieve otherwise.  Yet this chapter did present some mixed messages:

• Her need is for financial support or she may leave you.
• She does not appreciate having to sacrifice her standard of living and may leave you if this persists but try this strategy first.
• She can work outside the home to earn money, spend it on her quality of life, the budget should not depend on her income but this is supposed to promote oneness in the marriage relationship.

Husbands have a need for peace and quiet at home.  I would agree with that statement.  Once you have children, of course, that goes out the window.  Dr. Harley correctly points out both the need and the difficulties in achieving them.  The basic requirement for a couple is to work out a suitable arrangement for both husband and wife in handling home responsibilities.  It is not pointed out in the book but an equally important point is that this requirement will change for the husband and wife throughout the marriage as life-events change.

There is continuing pressure in this book to respond to the feelings of your spouse.  I find this to be a short-sided, even dangerous approach to the marriage relationship (or any other relationship for that matter).  Dr. Harley states, "if your friends, relatives, career, finances, children, or anything else takes a higher priority than the feelings of your spouse, kiss your marriage good-bye" (p. 139, emphasis mine).  Feelings can vary dramatically depending on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual events in one's life.  Were I to work to respond to feelings, or felt needs as presented by Dr. Harley, rather than the real needs of my spouse, I would work to the detriment of our marriage.  Many men, in fact, ruin their marriages by chasing the feelings of their wives rather than working to meet their deepest needs.  Love is not a feeling, nor is it making your spouse "feel good" about himself or herself.  Love is your unfettered commitment to meet the deep needs of your spouse without any expectation of a response.  This point cannot be overstated and yet it is unfortunately missing completely from this book.

Dr. Harley correctly points out the need for a husband to have a strong family commitment.  The wife really needs to know he will be there for her and for the children.  From this deep need has emerged an entire men's movement known as Promise-Keepers.  Men from all over the country yearn to put their faith in God into action by loving their wives and families.  Keeping family units strong is critical for the survival of any country or culture.  Children need the time and discipline of their parents, particularly the father.  This cannot happen when the father is long-distance because of constant work or distanced at home because of other interests or fatigue.  The lives of a man and woman need to place priority on making time to raise children when they are so blessed to have them.

In chapter twelve, Dr. Harley presents the husband's need for the admiration of his wife.  He points out that the husband must be sure to meet those needs in his wife's life that will make her admire him.  He then goes on to explain the husband's habits which may need to change in order for the wife to begin expressing her admiration.  At this point, I did appreciate Dr. Harley's steps to create a new habit (p. 162).  They are:

• Define the habit you want to create.
• Plan the strategy you will use to develop that habit.
• Follow the strategy.
• Evaluate the strategy's effectiveness to see if behavior has changed.

He followed up this outline with a specific example that went through each step in the process.  By giving such a process with an example, Dr. Harley rightfully addresses the "how-to" side of the advice he gives in regard to a husband's need for admiration.

The final two chapters deal with surviving an affair and working to prevent one in the first place.  His four steps to surviving an affair are shallow attempts to deal with a major character and relational breach on the part of one spouse.  It completely fails to recognize the need for repentance.  In fact, Dr. Harley gives the distinct impression that an affair is the fault of the faithful spouse for not meeting the felt needs of his or her mate!  He ignores the reality that an affair is a choice to sin.  While the world certainly exerts tremendous pressure in this area, and the faithful spouse is certainly not assumed to be perfect, the affair is still a sinful choice by an individual who will suffer the consequences for this action.  No real time is spent exploring this critical issue.
Dr. Harley goes on to explain that a husband (usually) will usually remain "in love" with the other woman even after seeking reconciliation with his wife.  While this may be true, it presents an insurmountable problem in reconciliation.  He states:

Any good feelings he may derive from having "done the right thing" do little to lessen his pain or cool his resentment at the loss of what he had in the affair (p. 180).

Dr. Harley is avoiding the real problem in such a case.  What is truly required for the husband to be reconciled to his chosen life-mate is repentance!  How can a husband reconcile with one woman while choosing to love another?  He cannot.  The marriage relationship cannot be truly reconciled until the man gains a deep conviction of the horror of his sin towards God, his wife, his family, and himself.  In accord with this conviction, the man must choose instead to forsake all others and be united again to his wife, if she will have him.  This can bring reconciliation; in many cases, an even stronger bond can be developed between the two people than before.  Because Dr. Harley ignored this issue, I was very disappointed in his treatment of this topic.

As a result of my study of this material, I would not recommend this book to people for premarital counseling.  There are many excellent points made throughout the book.  His list of the basic needs of husbands and wives is generally accurate.  The advice he gives to each spouse in meeting these needs is generally good.  I believe the real weakness is in his approach to dealing with differences in these needs.  It suffers from an unbiblical view of love, marriage, forgiveness, and reconciliation.  If God's word does not clearly address these issues, then this book will not help in any case.  But since God's word does clearly address these issues, I find Dr. Harley's work unacceptable for my library.
 

End Notes

1. Harley, Willard Dr. His Needs, Her Needs. Baker Books: Grand Rapids, Michigan. Copyright 1986.

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Copyright 6/21/2001, Randy Lariscy.