How can you change an established pattern of conflict?

The circumstances of life have a dramatic impact on how we live.  Conflict, in  particular, has a terribly draining effect on our mind, emotions, and spirit.  The believer, though, is not to be driven by circumstance but by faith.  By faith, we are to engage in a pattern of behavior regardless of the circumstance.  This pattern of behavior is defined in the book of Ephesians and can be summed up in these verses:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God...Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:1-2,15-16, NIV)

In this passage, the Apostle Paul is discussing our relationships with one another.  He commands that we should walk in love the way that our LORD Jesus Christ walked while in His earthly ministry.  What a high and lofty admonition for the church!  What a wonderful pattern for our behavior toward one another.  He then makes a point that is particularly relevant for the Church today -- "Be very careful, then, how you live" (Eph 5:15, NIV).  This is a very explicit command to make sure our walk is one that is true to teachings and examples of Christ.  We are not to be foolish which is to engage in deceipt, unwholesome talk about or toward one another, nor sin when we get angry.  It is not enough for the Church to teach the admonitions of the Bible but we must model them as well.

So, circumstances which create enormous potential for conflict should not be a problem for the body of Christ, right?  Unfortunately, each of us still has a problem called the “flesh” or the “sin nature” by which we stumble when we give in to it.  Rather than walk in the Spirit of God we walk according to the flesh when particular circumstances threaten us, grieve us, anger us, or sadden us.  Keith Huttenlocker, in his book “Conflict and Caring”, provides six situations¹ that tend to cause conflict in a local church.  In examining these situations, we can see how conflict may start and examine ways to minimize the potential for damage to the congregation.
 

1) High Exchange

In this situation, members of the congregation have a high degree of interaction with one another.  A small church typically has this kind of interaction.  A small town situation with one predominant church would be another good example of this. The members work together, live as neighbors, their children play on teams together, and they go to church together.  This kind of interaction is good and healthy.  It helps us grow in our relationship with one another as well as developing our spiritual strength and unity.  This high exchange can be wonderful when things are going well.  But as conflict emerges, the high exchange becomes highly explosive.  Words spoken in anger are repeated, modified, and extended among the members causing even more conflict.  Even when conflict is resolved, to whatever degree, the high exchange and frequent conflict can cause resentment to develop.  Over time, bitterness arises as a blight on the once amicable relationships.

As Dr. Wise points out, one way to minimize conflict would be to limit the interaction among members.²  This would certainly cut down on conflict but would do little to enable the church to achieve its mission.  Rather than limit interaction, the church should confront the members with the issue of high exchange and its consequences -- good and bad.  A strong effort to teach and model love with long-suffering should be made by the leadership of the church.  This includes the pastor, ministers on staff, the teachers, the deacons, and any other influential group in the church organization.  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8, NIV).  Love keeps no record of wrongs but is patient and kind.  Teaching and modeling this principle will go a long way in minimizing high exchange conflict.
 

2) High Expectations

In high expectations, the church body sees things in black or white with no middle ground.  A conservative congregation tends to uphold the great doctrines of the Bible as preeminent over everything else.  Holding to the truth of God’s Word is, after all, the meaning of a true disciple of Christ (John 8:31-32).  Yet this very attitude can also bring an attitude of condemnation toward those who either do not understand or do not agree completely.  Conflict occurs as the tiniest infraction crosses the narrow line of acceptability.  A large or highly visible church usually has high expectations as well.  Ministers brought on staff are required to conform immediately and be productive immediately.  Members expect every sermon, every training program, every meeting to inspire, delight, and utterly enthuse the participants.  When one does not produce to this level, conflict ensues.

To minimize the potential for conflict in a high expectations setting, the church must either perfect all of its members or change its expectations.  Hopefully, the church is edifying its members.  But perfection will not come in this life.  It is Christ who will perfect us when He takes us home.  Until then, the leadership of the church must work on the expectations level it sets and on the expecations of the membership.  Romans 8:1 says clearly, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (NIV). If Christ does not condemn those who trust in Him, how can brothers and sisters in Christ condemn one another when one stumbles?  There is a balance between setting high standards or high targets and offering grace and forgiveness when one fails to meet the mark.  That is how God dealt with each of us -- though we all miss the mark (Romans 3:23) and deserve death, God loves us anyway and gave Himself up for us (Romans 5:8).  Only grace can overcome legalism and judgemental expectations.
 

3) High Involvement

High involvement is the amount of resource -- be it time, money, or energy -- that an individual contributes to the church.  While high involvement is certainly a pastor’s dream, and is a good thing for an individual and for the church,  it can create a strong potential for conflict.  Members who contribute greatly to a church feel a sense of ownership and pride in what they have done.  When this attitude appears, conflict is almost certain.  Suddenly, things must be done a certain way, e.g., “my way”.  The one who writes the largest check thinks it necessary to call the shots in the church.  The one who is there every time the door opens may feel it his spiritual obligation to make sure everything that happens in the church has his fingerprint.  The most popular member may use his relational influence to direct things the way he sees them.  Even a pastor may, unwittingly or otherwise, use his position as a basis for directing every minute aspect of church ministry -- as though God was channeling all the creative ideas and visions for church ministry into only his mind.

The issue to be addressed in high involvement situations is the issue of stewardship.  None of us owns anything in the church.  We are given stewardship responsibilities for a portion of the LORD’s ministry.  A pastor is called by God to be the shepherd of a portion of His people, not the pastor’s people.  A teacher is called to instruct, rebuke, correct, and train the LORD’s sheep in righteousness.  The resources of the church are to be used according to what Christ directs, not what an individual member dictates.  So the ownership mentality that says “I must have input commensurate with my contribution” must be redirected to a stewardship mentality that says, “I must care for what God has entrusted to me and make it grow according to His plan not mine.”  The stewardship attitude must be promoted, taught, and modeled in the church to overcome the dillemma of high involvement.
 

4) Low Trust

Low trust causes conflict in the church as people interact and assume the worst rather than the best.  No matter what happens, people expect that the truth is somehow different than the facts they have learned.  Low trust means that people are suspicious and independent.  Low trust prevents the church from successfully dealing with conflict.  Issues may be worked toward resolution but the lack of trust can cause the process to break down or blow up.  Even when a resolution is reached among key leaders, low trust can hinder acceptance of the resolution.

Trust is a difficult thing to manufacture.  It is something earned over time.  Low trust in a congregation should be examined closely because it is normally a surface level problem.  Probing deeper into the environment may yield other problems which together are contributing to a lack of trust.  Perhaps the leadership is unfaithful.  Perhaps the congregation is ungrateful.  In any event, trust itself cannot be dealt with on its own.  The root causes must be understood and eliminated before trust can then begin to grow among the congregation.
 
 

5) Low Understanding

In low understanding, people simply do not understand the impact of their actions.  Their inability to relate to one another well makes conflict a certainty.  People who have never been taught the social graces, who offend without realizing it, are a trigger for conflict.

“LORD, give me patience and give it to me NOW!” is a famous bumper sticker.  It is also a truth reflected in our attitude toward one another.  We tend to be much more patient with visitors to the church than to our own members.  Patience, like trust, is something that grows over time.  The church must learn that it is through testing that patience is developed.  And, "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves" (Romans 15:1, NIV).  People can also learn how to relate to one another better through seminars and training programs that the church can either sponsor or promote.
 

6) Low Respect

One of the greatest challenges for a church is the issue of respect.  When the congregation places a low value on leadership, they are unwilling follow the very person God has put in a position of authority over them.  Where conflict is frequent, a failure to submit to church leaders’ authority is also found.  If every individual is in charge, look out.  It was aptly spoken that “He who makes himself King has a fool for a master.”

Submission to authority is a biblical principle.  It is taught in Romans 13:1 that we should submit to the governing authorities in the land, insofar as their direct commands to us do not cause us to disobey God’s will.  God also calls a pastor to shepherd His flock and to have authority over them (1 Timothy 3:5,Titus 2:15).  The sheep, that is the congregation, must then be willing to be led by the pastor.  But it has been noted, “A king, rejected by his people, cannot rule.” and how true it is.  This is the response of the people of Israel when their King, the Messiah, finally came to them.  An unworthy rule, the Roman government, gave them an attitude against any leader who would not agree with their desire to crush their earthly master.  In today’s world, the breakdown of families also contributes to a general attitude of disrespect for authority.  With so many one-parent homes, and especially those with no father, children are raised without the discipline and restraint a father brings to the family.  Estimates were that 80% of the angry young men rioting in the streets of Los Angeles after the Rodney King verdict grew up in a home with no father.  When the leader is not respected, anarchy is the only result possible.  Everyone takes matters into his own hands.

The church must teach this principle however unpopular it may be.  We must "Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men" (Titus 3:1-2, NIV).  This teaching is part of the whole counsel of God (Acts 20:27) which must be taught and reinforced by godly discipline among church members.

These are the circumstances which have a high degree of conflict.  Approaches to dealing with each of these has been discussed.  Generally, the growth of a congregation in any of these areas is difficult.  The circumstances have a circular effect -- attempts to respond differently are hindered by continuing conflict.  Two things need to be done to address these issues.  First, the congregation must be made aware of the potential for conflict in their circumstances and of their demonstrated responses to it.  Making them aware of the destructive nature of it can help to open their hearts to change.  Dr. Wise wisely points out that this kind of self- introspection is difficult to achieve without some external party trained to recognize these patterns.  The second thing which must be done is to learn new behaviors in the face of conflict.  Rather than repeating the behavior during conflict, the church needs to learn healthy biblical approaches to conflict resolution.  This two-pronged approach will take time but it will bear fruit if consciously managed and prayerfully submitted to the LORD.
 

End Notes:

1. Huttenlocker, Keith. Conflict and Caring. Zondervan: Grand Rapids, Michigan, Copyright 1988.
2. Wise, Dr. Terry. Managing Conflict. Trinity College and Seminary. Course tape 5.

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Copyright 5/23/2001, Randy Lariscy.