Biblical Principles for Managing Conflict

What are God’s rules for relating to one another in the church?  This is the theme of Matthew 18.  In a series of analogies and parables, our LORD Jesus instructs us in how we should relate to other believers.  He covers the importance of putting others first, avoiding those things which cause us and others to stumble, realizing that every person is important and needed, the power He provides when we are in agreement, and the need to forgive freely.  In regard to conflict, this chapter provides application for us in preventing conflict in the first half and for managing conflict in the second half.

Conflict Prevention

"The best defense is a good offense."  This is a wonderful approach to football.  I believe it reflects also a strategy for preventing conflict in the church:  Focus on the treating others as you want to be treated rather than putting in elaborate measure to stop conflict which you know is inevitable.  Our LORD Jesus gives us three jewels in the area of relationships among believers.

1) Put Others First (Matthew 18:1-6)

God’s kingdom has no place for self-exaltation.  The disciples wanted to receive honor for themselves.  Jesus said they must change: "be converted" (Matt. 18:3, NIV). and become like children.  The child simply trusted Jesus when He called.  The child responded in obedience to Jesus, even though it meant standing in a great assembly of adults.  Like us, the disciples had to repent of self-will and turn to the LORD Jesus.  This is what allows us to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Having done this, "whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest" (18:4, NIV).  So greatness in God’s kingdom has to do with humility.  We must put off our desire for self-rule and submit to the LORD’s authority over our life.  Rather than seek the recognition of men, we must seek to recognition that comes from our Creator through humility.

Further, Jesus put this child first.  He called the child and had him stand among the adults, giving him a place of honor.  Jesus received this child.  His admonition (18:5) is that whoever is willing to honor others ahead of himself according to the call of the LORD, then that person honors our LORD in so doing.  Jesus is welcome in the home of a heart that honors Him.  The heart that honors Him puts others first, even if they are little children.  And perhaps especially if they are little children because of the tremendous influence it has on their future life.  This point is drilled home in verse 6 with a grave warning to anyone who would abuse or weaken the faith of a believer.

2) Allow No Stumbling Blocks (Matthew 18:7-11)

Jesus exhorts us cut out of our life completely the things which cause us to sin.  As fallen creatures, we are weak when it comes to temptation.  Though the Spirit of God lives in the believer (Ephesians 1:13-14), we are each susceptible to sins of the flesh (1 John 2:16-17, Matthew 26:41, Romans 7:19).  Therefore, avoid completely those things which tempt you.  Also consider the awesome impact our sin has on the lives of others.  The blight of AIDS born by illicit sexual encounters has left its mark on many innocent lives.  An abusive father passes on a heritage of domestic violence to his sons and daughters who learned it from him.  Such things are inevitable in a fallen world, says our LORD Jesus, but cursed is the one who is responsible for causing others to stumble.  So we must examine our lives and rid ourselves of all stumbling blocks for ourselves and for others.  This will prevent conflicts, unnecessary offenses, and strengthen the church.

3) Each Person is Important (Matthew 18:12-14)

We must always realize the extreme importance of just one life.  Jesus relates the parable of the shepherd who leaves ninety-nine sheep just to find the one who is lost.  The joy of finding the little one is greater than the joy he receives from the ninety-nine who did not stray.  This points out the tremendous redemptive love that our LORD has for us.  Moreover, it emphasizes to us that we must not turn away from the task of reaching our brothers and sisters in Christ who have fallen or strayed.  We must exercise redemptive love.  Each person we encounter must have this same preeminent spot that Jesus has for us.  He gave his life for us.  We must treat others with this same unconditional, redemptive love.  How many conflicts can be avoided if we treat others with this kind of overriding love?  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8, NIV).

Conflict Management

The most disheartening thing to find out about a brother or sister in Christ is that they disagree with you about something.  When you really love someone, it hurts when they dispute something you did or said or believe.  Because of this, conflict in the church exacts an especially heavy toll on people.  Our LORD Jesus knew that we would act in the flesh at times and provided a process for handling it.  He also emphasized the need for unity and forgiveness in the reconciliation process.  These two admonitions are vital for a constructive approach to conflict management.

1) The Power in Unity (Matthew 18:15-20)

Disagreements and offenses are going to happen in the body of Christ.  But our LORD wants unity so He provided an approach to dealing with conflict.  A brother or sister in Christ who has sinned against another must be reproved.  This means that when we realize what someone has done to us, we must also make them realize it.  Putting this in context with 1 Peter 4:8 and similar passages, I believe we must take this to mean a blatant offense or continued offense by the other person.  The details of this process are something that apply not only to the church but to any organization:

a) The one offended should meet privately with his brother (18:15) to discuss what has happened.  Speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) will usually win a brother or sister in Christ back.

b) If this does not work, we are told to take two or three other believers with us and confront him with the facts (18:16).

c) If he still refuses to listen, the church assembly is to hear of this (18:17).  This is intended to put his true motives on the line.  If he is unwilling to repent of the sin when the whole church is aware of it, then he is to removed from the fellowship.

d) Even at this point, though, the purpose is not to condemn him forever.  The hope is that in losing the opportunity to worship and fellowship with his brothers and sisters he will eventually repent and return.

The important thing to keep in mind is the power we have in unity.  In verses 18 Jesus emphasizes that this process is the one prescribed by Him for the church.  If we bind it up (withhold God’s word on this) then the situation will remain bound without divine influence.  If we loose it (proclaim and practice God’s word on this), then we unleash the power of heaven to influence the people involved.  Verse 19 and 20 go on to proclaim the power of God which is available for the asking when we are in agreement with our brothers and sisters in Christ. "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Amos 3:3, NIV).  So this is how we are to walk in fellowship with one another.  The beautiful thing is that when believers are together, the LORD is there with us (18:20).

2) Perseverance in Forgiveness (Matthew 18:21-35)

The question naturally arises and, as usual, Peter is the first to speak up.  How many times do we do this?  How many times should I forgive my brother?  The answer from our LORD is amazing -- forever.  Always offer forgiveness to your brother whether he takes it or not.  In conflicts, problem resolution is not the only end in mind.  Forgiveness and reconciliation must also be our goal.

Jesus then tells the parable of the servant with the great debt.  His master confronted Him about this debt he could never repay.  As the servant begged for mercy, the master felt compassion and canceled the debt completely.  When the servant then went out and demanded payment from his debtors, the master heard about it and became infuriated.  Why should the servant receive forgiveness of his own debts when he was unwilling to forgive the debts of others?  The point of the story is that this is how our LORD has offered forgiveness to us -- complete, unconditional forgiveness of our sins through His death of the cross.  Can we forget our own canceled debt by refusing to forgive others?  Forgiveness is critical to our own future in eternity.  It is extremely important in our relationship with one another as this parable from our LORD shows.  From the standpoint of conflict management, problem resolutions will never last unless each party is willing to forgive and get on with the mission of the church.

These are just a few of the insights from the Word of God regarding conflict management.  Imagine how strong the church could be if  just these principles of prevention and resolution were implemented.
 

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Copyright 6/4/2001, Randy Lariscy.