Steps to Successfully Manage Conflict

The occurrence of conflict is inevitable in the life of a believer and a certainty in the operation of the local church.  Nevertheless, the will of God for righteous living is clear.  The Psalmist states it this way:

Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD.  Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,  keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.  Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.  The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry. (Psalm 34:11-15, NIV)

Our goal is to live in fear, honor, and reverence of the LORD.  We do this by honest communications, a determination to do what is right, and by pursuing peace.  The goal of peace is lofty and high, commended by our LORD Jesus when He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God (Matthew 5:9).”  The question then is how to carry out this goal.

Dr. Terry Wise defines six steps to use in managing conflict.¹  These six steps may be undertaken by each of the parties involved but would best be guided by a neutral third party, either inside or outside the church.  At times, the steps even seem trite and trivial.  But anyone who has experienced significant conflict on the job or in the church as I have will surely testify that “people just don’t fight fair!”  The steps help all parties focus on an approach to dealing with the problem and creating a solution together.  This focus on the problem as opposed to the people helps minimize the temptation each party has to beat up the other and points them toward the building of a mutually satisfying resolution.
 

Step 1 - Recognize there is a problem

Conflict can start for a variety of reasons.  There can be one or more things which really trigger a battle.  Each party is quick to point out the events or actions of individuals which hurt or offended them.  Each party is not so quick to recognize the real problem which is dividing them.  Introspection in particular is difficult for individuals to do when they are hurt.  Their natural inclinations are outward, wanting to hurt those who hurt them.  The problem itself may be ignored, denied, or dismissed.

Consider two ministers on staff at a church who have completely different personality and leadership styles.  They begin to clash over seemingly petty things.  Over time, their differences create a chasm of bitterness which may lead to open warfare in every encounter.  When asked about their problems, each will bitterly point to the other as the problem.  Until each party is confronted by the style differences, they will be unable to work together toward the resolution of the real problem -- possibly as basic as how to work as a team.  Obviously, getting each party to recognize the problem is the first step on the road to resolution.
 

Step 2 - Seek outside assistance if necessary

Typically a church organization will try to settle problems “in-house.”  After all, the church belongs to the LORD.  With His help, they can solve anything, right?  All too often, conflict is either mismanaged or not managed at all in the church.  This leads to greater, future problems.  Few problems simply go away with the passage of time, the possible exception being old age.

A third party to mediate or facilitate a conflict management process is an important yet formal step to take.  All parties in the conflict must agree to the use and role of a mediator.  The establishment of mediation may be an escalation of a thorny problem.  Mediation may also be used to prevent a conflict from degrading into open warfare.  Either way, putting a neutral third party in place will help ensure people focus on the process rather than on their hurt.

The individual who facilitates this conflict management process should be someone who can remain neutral.  People within the church such as the pastor or lay leaders can be used as third parties.  It is important that both parties recognize that the individual chosen is neutral to both parties.  The smaller the church, the less likely a neutral person can be found inside the church.  In this case, someone from another local church, church association, or state convention or board may need to be called in to help resolve a dispute.

Once my wife and I felt it necessary to undergo counseling for some marital problems we had.  We chose to use the former pastor of our church, a man whom we both respected.  More importantly, he loved both of us.  Both of us acknowledged his neutrality and the fact that he was looking out for our best interests.  This mediation worked very well and our momentary difficulties were resolved.  I am fortunate to have such a wonderful wife of sixteen years.
 

Step 3 - Empower people/parties in the process

To empower someone means to give them authority or permission to do a task.  Moreover, it means enabling them or giving them the capacity and resources to carry out the task to completion.  Empowerment is an interesting concept in regard to conflict management since one normally thinks that parties need to be unempowered before they hurt each other.  But empowerment of each person involved in a conflict means giving them an explicit commission to resolve the problem, something the parties may not have realized is the ultimate goal, as well as the tools and processes to carry it to completion.

The basic fear experienced by individuals in conflict is a lack of control.  Things seem chaotic.  People see no rhyme, reason, or end to the madness.  Empowerment can start simply by validating the feelings and the emotions of each person in the conflict.  This brings comfort and a sense of understanding to the parties.  Next, empowerment can be furthered by establishing a process to use in working out the differences.  Putting structure into the conflict gives people hope.  Ground rules must also be established to keep the discussions from becoming boxing matches.  Each participant must feel safe to express his or her own views.  The ground rules help to enforce a sense of fair play.  Each of these things will provide the participants with an understanding of what will happen, how it will be conducted, and what the expected outcome will be.

Dr. Wise also emphasizes the importance of building trust and a consensus attitude of “Let us work this out together.”²  Building trust is important in conflict management.  People who do not trust one another will see little value in trying to work out a solution.  They will not believe the other party will abide by the agreement.  Building trust must be accomplished with great care and patience.  People need time to learn to trust one another.

I must differ with Dr. Wise in one aspect of empowerment.  He suggests working individually with key players to build this consensus toward resolving the problem.  I believe an approach that selects certain individuals as “key players” or those with a great deal of influence carries a high degree of risk.  In a conflict situation, tempers are high and rational thinking is low.  If individuals find out they were not consulted prior to the formal discussions, they will understandably be offended.  Even deciding which “key player” to talk with first can bring unnecessary tension.  If working individually with the participants first seems necessary, it would be better to let everyone know that and be sure that everyone knows they will each be contacted.
 
 

Step 4 - Identify/clarify the issues

In this step, communication is the key.  Typically, people have been bickering over a problem and factual communication has given way to emotional communication.  It is paramount that the problem be defined using only the facts.  Common ground, usually beginning with the overall goals, must be established to help the participants understand they are in this together.  Spiritual resources of prayer and the Word of God should be employed in the Church to facilitate bonding.  The admonition to seek first to understand one another is very important.  God gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason (James 1:19-20).  Talking before understanding the problem and the other parties’ perspectives leads to further bickering.  People must be protected from sniping because this does not facilitate openness in communications nor does it generate useful information for debate.

A common problem in conflicts is when one person is unable to "win" using the facts.  In order to “win” an argument over a topic, someone will resort to disparaging remarks about the other person, the other person’s beliefs, or the other person’s sources.  In times of conflict, we need to establish reasonable ground rules for open discussions and hold one another accountable to those rules.  Open debates should generate light not heat.  Our purpose is indeed “...to contend for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the saints" (Jude 1:3, NIV).  We should do this not by tearing down but building each other up:  "But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith" (Jude 1:20, NIV).
 

Step 5 - Co-labor together for mutually agreeable solutions

As the problem is defined and discussion continues, it is important to keep people focused on resolving the problem not “winning the argument” or building themselves up by putting the others down.  Dr. Wise suggests seeking the LORD together.³  Encourage participants to put their own agendas in the wastebasket and seek the LORD’s will in this matter.  Encourage participants to be willing to change first if necessary.  Many options and potential solutions should be offered and explored before trying to nail down an agreement.  Many people working as a team can generate an incredible amount of creative solutions.  The attitude of co-laboring together for the LORD will create an atmosphere of respect and trust.  Even “dumb ideas” (though I don’t really consider them as such) can be offered without ridicule.
 

Step 6 - Covenant together for solutions

In the final stage of conflict management, the parties must converge on an agreement.  I use the word converge very pointedly.  Each party must approach the agreement without coercion or compromise.  Each party must see the agreement as the right thing to do for themselves.  So the evaluation of options should use objective criteria generated by each party.  As consensus appears, each party in the conflict should be encouraged to state their agreement.  This can be done verbally, by going around the table and asking the question of each participant “Do you agree?” or through a more formal written agreement or contract.  The parties should agree to covenant together in the agreement.  In the Church, each person should feel bound by the Spirit of God to honor whatever they agree to do.

In finalizing the agreement, people should be made aware of the need to freely offer grace and forgiveness to one another, just as the LORD did for us (Ephesians 4:32).  The agreement should also be celebrated.  What a wonderful testimony to the world that people can disagree, work it out, and remain friends throughout!

A process for conflict management is necessary to provide the structure and specific actions to take to resolve problems.  These are some of the high-level steps which can be taken in just about any conflict situation.  As such, they provide a basis for dealing with a conflict situation though they do not indicate specific tasks for a mediator or for the parties involved.  I believe a more formalized methodology for managing conflict would be extremely helpful to churches and, for that matter, any organization since conflict is such a prevalent thing.  The methodology should provide a work breakdown structure of tasks (“what” must be done), specific deliverables (“results” from completing the task, whether documents, agreements, or other outcomes), and finally techniques (“how” to do certain activities) which may be employed in one or more tasks.

Just by structuring a given conflict with a process, the participants are all better off.  The chaotic, randomness of conflict developing on its own will undoubtedly have destructive consequences to situations and relationships.  A prescribed approach will ease fears, provide balance for the various parties in conflict, and help propel the struggle toward a resolution which provides more value and benefit than the negative consequences endured in the process.
 

End Notes

1. Wise, Terry Dr. Managing Conflict. Trinity College and Seminary. Course cassette 8.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.

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Copyright 6/4/2001, Randy Lariscy.