Do relationships help or hinder conflict?

Relationships with people are a priority for Christians.  When this world was created, the LORD said it was not good for man to be alone.  He created a man, a woman, and procreation so that we might have fellowship.  Shortly before He went to the cross, Jesus gave to His disciples, the Twelve, this critical teaching: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another" (John 13:34, NIV).  The word used for love in the Greek is “agapao” which means the highest, unconditional kind of love.  This is also the word used to describe the love of God in sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to redeem mankind through His death on the cross for our sins (John 3:16).  Each of us must examine our relationships with one another in light of Jesus’ command.

Conflict is something which occurs between people.  Among those involved, it creates division or, at a minimum, a tension in the relationship.  When a group is involved, people on the same side may actually bond closer together during conflict.  Those on opposite sides may permanently sever relationships.  So, relationships are greatly impacted by conflict and relationships themselves can have an impact on how conflict progresses.

Healthy relationships, according to Dr. Wise, are noted for high rationality, understanding, communication, reliability, persuasiveness, and acceptance.¹  Each of these traits will enhance the ability of people to work through a conflict to a constructive outcome.  Knowing that someone is on your side, even when they disagree with you or are angered by something you have done, provides a sense of reassurance during the conflict.  There is no fear of retribution, no fear of termination of the relationship, no fear of being open about the problem or one’s feelings.

Relationships play a major role in how conflict is managed and resolved.  Dr. Wise cites McCollough on the four types of relational processes possible during a conflict:²
 

1) Hard on people and soft on the problem.

It is difficult to understand how people can be abused for no reasons at all but that is the thrust of this relational process.  An abused wife would be a very literal example of this.  Her body is tortured, her self-respect is trampled upon, the relationship is obliterated yet the basic problems continue.  This is a very destructive process.

2) Soft on people and soft on the problem.

Family life in the television show “Married With Children” illustrates this type of relationship management process.  Problems are never dealt with and so they continue.  Each individual’s destructive behavior is ignored, belittled, or laughed at.  Ultimately, this process will destroy the people and the relationships.  Problems, particularly in the family, rarely go away without specific steps to work through them.
 

3) Hard on people and hard on the problem.

This brings to mind the notorious boss whose answer to any concern, issue, problem, or even crisis is “Do it anyway!”  Workers who must constantly work overtime against their wishes would also be an example of this (perhaps these workers have the notorious boss!).  It is good that a problem is tackled to try and eliminate it.  But doing so at the expense of good relationships is never the answer.
 

4) Soft on people and hard on the problem.

This last process is the only constructive approach to dealing with conflict.  Preserve the relationship but work diligently to eliminate the problem.  Without preserving the relationship, resolution is nearly impossible and you break the one command Christ said was most important -- to love one another.  Without resolving the problem, conflict will continue and will ultimately impact the relationships.³

Good relationships, then, are a priority for obedient Christians.  They are also a priority for successfully working through conflicts.  Where there is trust, people act with calmness, compassion, and rational thinking.  Where there is no trust, people panic over every incident, suspect every word, and build walls to hinder communication.  When people feel freedom to take risks, they are more willing to think “outside the box” when exploring solutions.  Without this freedom, conflict will hover at an impasse as each side’s position becomes polarized.  Where relationships are growing in intimacy, acceptance, and ability to communicate, conflict only serves to promote growth.  Where growth in the relationship is blocked, conflict will typically sever the ties rather than improve them.  Constructive resolution to conflict depends on healthy relationships and in the end will strengthen the bonds between people.
 

End Notes:

1. Wise, Dr. Terry. Managing Conflict. Trinity College and Seminary. Course tape 6.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.

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Copyright 5/23/2001, Randy Lariscy.