Sources of Confusion in Conflict

In times of conflict, the intense emotions sometimes drown out the voice of truth.  People insist that certain things are facts while others hear such "facts" and insist they are lies.  How can the Christian be so confused during conflict?  Is conflict strictly an emotional reaction to people and/or events in the church?  Or are there other factors that drive conflict?

In the inner makeup of humans, there is a mind, a will, and emotions.  The mind is the seat of knowledge and understanding.  The will is the ability to make choices.  In the mind, beliefs are formed which typically drive the behavior of an individual as the Bible points out: "As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man" (Proverbs 27:19, NIV).  One may temporarily alter behaviors from core beliefs -- emotional reactions often create this situation in the life of a Christian.  One's behavior may be constrained by external factors such as a forced resignation from a position in the church.  Over the long haul, however, the core beliefs will be revealed just as surely as the reflection of an image by a pool of water.
 

The Role of Emotion in Conflict

One obvious characteristic of all conflict is emotion.  In fact, one connotation of the word “conflict” is an image of angry words being exchanged.  Conflict is a tense situation between individuals which involves a variety of emotions.  So understanding the role emotions play in conflict situations is essential to gaining insight into appropriate conflict  management.
 
Emotions are the feelings of an individual.  These emotions can influence both our thinking processes and our behavior.  In a calm, unemotional response, an individual usually thinks before he acts.  When strong emotions are involved, an individual will act before he thinks.  Emotions, particularly strong ones, tend to mask input to the brain.  A young man in love will not generally recognize an offense by his beloved.  The strong romantic feelings mask the factual input going to his brain.  An angry boss may not really hear the earnest pleas of his employee explaining why a project is late.  His emotions overrule his rational thought processes.  Emotions can drive us to the highest heights and the lowest lows.  But emotions must always be subservient to our reasoning abilities.

Based on this framework, it is easy to understand the strong potential emotions have in impacting a conflict situation.  In conflict situations, the tense environment creates strong emotions.  Rather than release these emotions through angry words or hostile actions, people can choose to vent their emotions instead.  As the conflict increases, the pressure on individuals increases and creates a greater need to vent feelings.

When encountering individuals engaged in conflict, it is important to allow them the freedom to feel angry, frustrated, or whatever may be bottled up inside them.  Allow them to talk about what bothers them whether you agree with them or not.  This gives them time for the intensity of their emotions to ease.  In doing so, they can then think about the situation without the confusion caused by strong emotions.
 

Type of Emotions During Conflict

When God designed humans, He made emotions.  As a result, we will all experience a variety of emotions during our lives.  A variety of emotions are also experienced during conflict.  And no individual in the church is exempt from the effect of emotions, especially during a conflict.  Emotions strike the pastor, elders, paid staff, and individual members with the same intensity and frequency.  A brief discussion follows of the different types of emotions and their causes during conflict situations.

Anxiety:  Anxiety is a feeling experienced when the expectation of next steps or future events is confused or disrupted.  An individual might experience anxiety during conflict in a church between the pastor and the board of deacons.  The anxiety is caused by the individual’s expectation of continuing to have the particular pastor in the pulpit.  During conflict the expectation suddenly appears tenuous and anxiety immediately sets in.

Anger:  Conflict stirs the fire of anger.  When an individual is opposed, even in a simple disagreement, the natural response is hostility.  This anger tends to result in hostile behaviors such as bitterness, malice, and unfortunate words or actions.  Poorly managed conflict can even end in violence between individuals.

Fear:  There are many fears experienced during conflict.  Like anxiety, fear can be the result of damaged or confused expectations.  One may fear failure or the perception of failure when conflict surfaces.  Fear can also be a protective response when individuals in conflict express hostility toward one another.  There can also be a genuine fear of loss of a relationship during conflict.

Frustration:  Individuals feel frustration during conflict because others will not accept their solution to the problem or issue.  Individuals may also feel frustrated during conflict because no one seems to understand them.  Conflict in the church is frustrating to many individuals who feel that church members should be above it.

Aggression:  This feeling is anger which has escalated in intensity resulting in a feeling of aggression.  An individual wants to retaliate against those who have hurt them or their friends.  Feelings of aggression are particularly strong when a family member has been threatened.

Ambivalence:  Conflict can be damaging to relationships when managed poorly.  It produces odd incongruities.  One may take issue with the pastor for recent comments from the pulpit while at the same time desire to maintain a friendship with a deacon who fully supports the pastor.  When faced with a confrontation, many feel winning is impossible and choose to live in denial rather than get involved.

Guilt:  Actions taken during a conflict situations can be very sinful.  But actions during conflict can be perfectly justified and right yet still cause guilt.  When one has to confront another member about a serious moral lapse or missed commitments, it can create guilt.  The guilt may be self-inflicted or it may be the Holy Spirit probing one’s motives, attitudes, and actions during the crisis.

Happiness: In relation to conflict, happiness is an emotion usually felt by the “winning” side.  Those on the winning side are the ones who get their way.  In a win-win resolution to conflict, both sides should feel this way.  Many conflicts turn out to be win-lose.  In these, the “winners” feel happy that their position won out.  This feeling may also be associated with self-justification as one tries to justify behaviors during the conflict -- even when they were clearly less than Christ-like.

Such a variety of emotional responses is a testimony to the beauty and majesty of God’s creative ability.  Emotions provide the color to an otherwise black-and-white existence.  Emotional responses during conflict are normal but must be managed sensitively and carefully to avoid furthering the conflict.
 

Unusual Thinking During Conflict

One of the interesting effects noted during conflict is a type of disjointed thinking termed “cognitive dissonance.”  Cognitive refers to thinking processes. Dissonance refers to inconsistencies, discord, or chaos.  So inconsistent thinking may surface during conflict that will have a profound impact on the intensity and, ultimately, the probability of resolution.  Consider how you feel when someone criticizes you in front of someone else.  Jesus taught very clearly to “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you" (Luke 6:27, NIV).  But even when we know we should love the one who hurt us, we want to (and often do) take revenge instead.  It is this inconsistent thinking that is at the heart of many conflicts.

Consider the following types of distorted thinking that goes on during conflict situations in the church:
 

Projection

A deacon approaches the Pastor of his church.  “Pastor, I see that , uh, well, you know, sometimes you stumble with words when you preach.  I really think we need a better pastor in...uh, er, that is, preacher in the pulpit.”  The Pastor replies, “Well, we all stumble a little with our words from time to time.”  To which the deacon replies, “I don’t have the slightest idea what you mean!”  Here a church member reveals a type of distorted thinking known as “projection.”  He refuses to see in himself what he observes or perceives in others.  In conflict situations, people often perceive attitudes, motives, and behaviors in others that, in reality, they are demonstrating themselves.  This blindness to the facts exacerbates the conflict and confuses all sides.
 

Dichotomous Reasoning

Another type of distorted thinking is dichotomous reasoning.  This occurs when people think there is only one possible position to take in the conflict -- their own position.  When each side engages in this kind of thinking, resolution becomes very difficult.  In a church, this problem is provoked when parties attach Scriptural authority to their position, further polarizing the dispute.
 

Overgeneralization

A common distortion in conflict situations is overgeneralization.  Emotions tend to confuse our ability to think clearly about the problem.  People will start attributing one-time or infrequent events with “always” and “never” words.  “You NEVER introduce me to your friends when we’re out!” or “You ALWAYS say that!”  add fuel to the fire of a conflict.
 

Selective Perception

Parties involved in a dispute will understandably try to find facts to bolster their case.  Unfortunately, people will only consider the facts which support their case.  Further, people will refuse to listen to the other side’s facts which contradict their own.  This prevents any meaningful communication between the conflicting parties.
 

Magnification

Magnification occurs when a person exaggerates an event or behavior beyond its reality or significance.  Recently, Bryant Gumbell refused to host the morning television show in protest of the network’s decision to use someone else to conduct the OJ Simpson interview.  He seemed to take it as a personal affront since, after all, he is a personal friend of OJ.  In church, a member with a guilty conscience may interpret the pastor’s insightful glance his way as a personal indictment.  A teacher whose class is split to encourage growth may see it as a personal affront.  This type of distorted thinking keeps the emotional upheavals going.
 

Arbitrary Inference

An interesting type of thinking occurs during conflicts when people begin to judge the motives of others.  Now we know from Scripture that Jesus knew the thoughts and motives of men (John 2:25).  But it is clear that no human can read the mind of another and, thus, cannot really know the motive behind an action.  In fact, when we judge the motives of others, we judge self-righteously and Jesus condemned this (Matthew 7:1-5).

Often things are not quite what they seem.  Emotions tend to mask our ability to perceive what is factual and what is not.  Many times emotions literally overwhelm us.  The result is dysfunctional behavior of the worst kind.  Conflict requires calm, logical thinking for effective resolution.  Distorted thinking places feelings and perceptions before facts.  Solid conflict management principles must overcome the emotional responses and misperceptions by guiding all parties to a factual understanding of the problem and creative options for resolution.
 

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Copyright 6/4/2001, Randy Lariscy.