Why is conflict so acute among Christians?

Conflict is an unfortunate outgrowth of two or more humans spending even a small amount of time together.  So conflict in the church is to be expected since humans are involved.  The key word in this question is the word "acute."  Conflict itself is inevitable; acute conflict occurs when there are strong relationships between the individuals involved.  Conflict affects the relationships between the people involved.  In a church setting, conflict also affects everyone who knows anyone who is involved in the conflict.  Those who are not directly involved in the conflict tend to be hurt because it shames or defames the name of Christ.  The ministry of the church depends in large part on these relationships. So as conflict rises in the church, the capacity for ministry diminishes.

There are three important factors in how conflict impacts relationships: emotions, involvement, and interdependency.  Each of these factors is abundantly evident in the relationships found in church.  For this reason, conflict drives a deep wedge into the fellowship of believers.  Fighting and separation are the painful but typical results.

Emotions come into play during a conflict because of the deep feelings for one another in a relationship.  When the emotions come into play, it is very hard to deal rationally with issues arising out of conflict.  People will speak ill chosen words in haste.  Once spoken, the damage is done. In a church setting where people tend to bond very deeply with one another, the offended party is "comforted" by extremely supportive people.  These people also become embroiled in the conflict because of their loyalty to the offended party.  Until the emotions can somehow be defused, the conflict can not be resolved.

I have personally tried many times to resolve conflicts "logically" with my wife.  I then defused the emotions after spending a perfectly "logical" night in the doghouse! Feelings are real even if they are unjustified.  So the emotional side to relationships has a profound impact on the intensity of conflict.  On top of this, a person's loyalty to the Lord Jesus, whose name is ultimately being defamed in a church setting, causes even greater emotional upheaval during times of conflict.

Involvement with another person breeds familiarity.  The reward of a close relationship is the intimacy that develops.  The risk of this intimacy is vulnerability.  While a stranger can trouble you, intense pain occurs when a loved one is involved. Anyone who has been married for any length of time knows the one who can really hurt you is the one who is closest to you -- the one who knows your deepest needs and greatest weaknesses.  Well known Bible Teacher Steve Brown put it this way, "When you get married, you entrust each other with the weapons of destruction."¹   People who are close to you know your pain points, your weak or sensitive areas, and your past.  It is easy, without even thinking about it, to cut someone off at the knees with that kind of information.  During a church conflict, the involvement people have in one another's lives introduces many tempting ways to return hurt for hurt.

Interdependency in a relationship brings people together.  Like the example Dr. Wise used in his lecture,  two cold porcupines can huddle together to keep warm but needle each other at the same time.  In a church setting, the interdependency spans many groups of people.  Conflict in this setting reaches far and wide.  This makes resolution of the issues even more challenging as the battlefield enlarges, seemingly on its own.

Emotions, involvement, and interdependency in church relationships play a major role in the intensity of conflict.  Given a largely volunteer organization, it is easy to see how conflict can "acutely" impact the church.  Learning to deal with and resolve conflict in the church should be a priority for any pastor and his flock.
 

End Notes:

1. Brown, Steve. Flameproof Grace. Key Life Ministries. Cassette Format.

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Copyright 5/23/2001, Randy Lariscy.