Critical Analysis of
Three To Get Ready¹

What makes for a lasting, godly marriage? When counseling a young couple regarding their upcoming marriage, two broad categories must be covered: design and implementation. Design considers the question: What is God’s design for marriage? Implementation looks at how marriage is to be implemented by the prospective couple. Both require a process to help people understand, apply, and commit themselves to God’s design for marriage. Such is an appropriate focus for premarital counseling.

Dr. Eyrich’s book, Three To Get Ready, presents a practical methodology for conducting premarital counseling with couples engaged to be married. This consists of a seven-week session with various tests to be administered as well as homework assignments for the couple. The number of sessions and duration of each can, of course, be varied to fit the needs of the counselor/counselees. This will almost surely happen as specific issues are uncovered which require specific counseling to correct. Nevertheless, Dr. Eyrich presents a highly usable approach for premarital counseling which seems appropriate for those new to counseling as well as for experienced pastoral counselors.

In this message, I will review the seven sessions in Dr. Eyrich’s methodology for premarital counseling. While I am in general agreement with most of what Dr. Eyrich has presented, I will highlight any places of disagreement. Following this review, I will consider how premarital counseling ties into pastoral ministry in the local church.

Session One - Introduction and Administration of Various Instruments

In this session, the counselor establishes the ground-rules for the total program. This includes the biblical design for marriage, the biblical world-view which will guide the counseling sessions, and the process to be followed. Establishing the Bible as the authority for what is to be discussed, advised, recommended, or commanded is essential at this point in the process. If the counselor alone bears the authority, then the couple can always choose to accept or ignore one or more parts of the program. If the couple realizes that any argument with the standards and guidelines imposed is not with the counselor but with God’s word, it will be much more compelling to the couple to follow what is proposed. In today’s relativistic culture, I see this is a critical first step.

This session also determines the eligibility of the couple to be married. If both are not born-again Christians, then the counselor must spend some time with each one to discuss their spiritual situation. Though not addressed by Dr. Eyrich in his book, it would seem to be appropriate for the counselor to present the gospel to such a couple in the course of discussing God’s design for marriage. There is a natural tie between God’s creation of the man and woman, the fall of Adam and Eve, the consequences of sin and its impact on the marriage relationship, and the power of the cross to deal with the destructive power of sin.

A point of departure for me in Dr. Eyrich’s suggestion that two unbelievers can be married by an ordained minister and that such a marriage is in agreement with the Bible. While I have great respect for Dr. Eyrich, I see two insurmountable difficulties with this view. The first is the issue of authority. The minister represents the church of Jesus Christ, ordained to live and proclaim the whole counsel of God. In performing a wedding ceremony, the minister gives his de facto endorsement of the marriage, whether or not he conducts the ceremony in a church. To endorse the marriage of two people who are not part of nor involved in church portrays a hypocritical church and minister. Second, the minister expects the couple to accept God’s design for marriage through premarital counseling sessions and then make a vows to the God in whom they do not believe. This portrays utter hypocrisy on the part of both the minister and the couple. The only unhypocritical option for the minister is to conduct a generic wedding ceremony devoid of any reference to God -- what purpose would the minister then serve in such a ceremony? It is my firm opinion that the minister of God should not marry two unbelievers or a mixed marriage (believer and unbeliever). Certainly, a church should set firm policy on this matter prior to agreeing to premarital counseling or even using the church facilities.

The administration of the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis (T-JTA) test , Trait Factor Inventory, and Sex Awareness Inventory and other homework is also part of this initial session. I was surprised but in total agreement at the insistence of Dr. Eyrich that couples commit to specific times of family worship during the course of the counseling program. I had not thought of this in conjunction with premarital counseling. Yet it creates a wonderfully constructive pattern for the couple prior to getting married. This time may be more instrumental than any other in developing the one-flesh union of a couple.

Session Two - Temperament Interpretation and Biblical Design for Marriage

With the possible exception of being videotaped, there is no more illuminating view of oneself than an objective and reliable personality or temperament analysis. I am personally familiar with Myers-Briggs and several other instruments. The T-JTA also seems to create an acceptable view of one’s basic personality traits. I think the important aspect of this session is to discuss with each person his or her view of their own temperament and his or her view of their potential mate’s temperament. This can provide great insight (and areas for discussion in the counseling session) into how well the fiancees know one another. This is something I have become firmly convinced is essential for people who are considering investing a lifetime together. I only wish I had done so prior to my own marriage.

The second part of this session focuses on the biblical guidelines for marriage. God had some specific ideas in mind when He made the first man and woman. And He ordained the great institution we call marriage. This discussion should provide a firm foundation for the couple’s own understanding of and commitment to marriage. It should also provide specific insight into what additional counseling may be needed to address his or her concerns/disagreements with biblical commands. Dr. Eyrich positions the counselor in this way: “You are a reality check [for the nearlyweds].” The reality for their marriage must be determined by God’s design. The counselor must not back down from this view.

Session Three - Communication, Roles, and Christian Love

This session covers a number of relational issues for the couple. How will the man function as a husband and relate to his new wife? How will the woman function as a wife and relate to her new husband? The discussion of the biblical commands for the husband and for the wife are essential in this session. Dr. Eyrich also addresses the need for clear, honest communication between husband and wife. This need was also addressed in great detail by Wayne Mack in his book, Your Family God’s Way. While his book purportedly dealt with relationships, he spent the bulk of his material on various aspects of communication. As a counselor, I would find Mack’s study questions and targeted bible verses very useful as specific communication difficulties were uncovered such as “overtalk,” “undertalk,” circuit-jamming, dishonesty, or suppression of feelings.

Session Four - Money, Sex Awareness, and Children

I found it quite interesting that people would question a minister’s ability to counsel people regarding finances. The Bible is replete with references to money, its proper use and misuse. For this reason, it is essential to get the couple to think through and prepare a budget prior to marriage. This can reveal whether they will be able to sustain their relationship as an independent family unit. I also see it as a critical test of their ability to set mutual goals and priorities for their lives, and successfully resolve any conflict that develops in this area. As a counselor, I will endeavor to carefully monitor the couple’s reaction to this exercise.

There are a number of great resources to help a couple understand the basics of the sexual relationship. I am partial to the work of Ed Wheat and Tim Lahaye in this area. As in the area of finances, the Sex Awareness Inventory will serve as a test of the couple’s understanding and acceptance of their respective roles regarding the marriage bed.

Session Five - Sex, Birth Control, and Family/Social Concerns

Dr. Eyrich recommends a follow-up on the sex discussion in the previous session. Here the focus is on specific concerns, misunderstandings, or disagreements between the two after critiquing Dr. Wheat’s tapes on the sexual relationship. Further discussion will surely follow regarding the appropriateness and types of birth control. I found the recommendation that the wedding and reception be planned to avoid wearing out the couple prior to their wedding night to be very sound and practical.

The in-laws survey is also covered here. I found this to be a critical area to understand and resolve prior to marriage. The time spent here will be well worth it to the couple who must be the mediators between two different families who become one extended family as a result of the marriage.

Session Six - Family Worship and Wedding Logistics

A review of the couple’s experience in family worship occurs in this session. Here the counselor can see their spiritual commitment (or lack thereof). While the level of spirituality will vary among people, the important thing to recognize here is any large disparity between the man and the woman. This can prove to be a source of great conflict unless the two recognize their need to give mutual respect and encouragement to one another in their individual spiritual journeys.

Session Seven - Specific Counseling Needs and Postmarital Sessions

Dr. Eyrich designed the last session to cover specific issues the counselor noted during the program and to address questions the couple may have that have not been adequately covered earlier. It seems to me that this will require much prayer and contemplation by the counselor to identify the areas of greatest need. I also heartily agree with Dr. Eyrich’s recommendation that postmarital sessions be scheduled at specific future points. I believe that such a follow-up with the same counselor will be very beneficial to the continued growth of a sound marriage.

Premarital Counseling and Pastoral Ministry

With a divorce rate surpassing fifty-percent in our country, and a ratio surprisingly close to this inside the church, it is apparent that something must be done from a pastoral perspective to deal with this critical problem. The wake of divorces has left single mothers in charge of a household with no male leadership. The mental and emotional health of countless children has been devastated. Bitter men either rage at the unfairness or callously remarry again and again. These are the people a pastor will find in his own congregation -- people who need help and hope from the unchanging, powerful word of God.

Premarital counseling addresses this problem from a prevention-oriented focus. Certainly there will always be a need for general pastoral counseling for individuals, couples, and families in the church. Yet premarital counseling provides the couple a foundation of biblical truth to be learned and applied in their upcoming marriage. A consistently applied program of premarital counseling for all nearlywed couples in the church will become, as Dr. Eyrich pointed out, an investment of time for the pastor which will pay rich dividends in the future. Couples will be better prepared for marriage, adjust to each other’s personality and lifestyle quicker, and create a stronger bond of love as they learn to live their lives together as one. With a proper understanding of God’s expectations of a husband and wife, the nearlyweds have a great capacity to form a family unit that can whether the inevitable storms that will rock their relationship. If God so blesses, they will produce godly offspring who can, in turn, become the future generation of that church.

It seems to me that question of premarital counseling in a church is not so much an “if” question but a “when” question. The need in the community is clear. The biblical foundation is also set forth in Scripture. As a pastor I would pursue this program with passion to ensure, as best I could, the development of strong, biblically founded marriages that honor God through the unique relationship of husband and wife.

Critical Analysis ofThree To Get Ready1