Dealing With Difficult People

Outline:

Introduction
Defining the Problem of Difficult People
Connection Between Personality Types and Difficult People
Redemptive Strategies For Difficult People

Redemption and Discipline
Strategies for Redemption

1. Introduction

Dealing with difficult people is something each one of us will have to do so long as we live on planet earth. The world is, of course, filled with individuals who are each unique in their combination of age, health, personality, experience, upbringing, faith, reasoning abilities, and many other facets of individuality. In this sense, it will be somewhat of a challenge for anyone to relate to another. Yet to this we were called by our LORD Jesus Christ who commanded us: "Love one another" (John 13:34, NIV). If everyone strived to love one another as our LORD commanded, there would likely be no need for a course on difficult people. The reality is that not only are people individuals but many strive to create strife and turmoil for others. This course has been helpful to me in understanding the general categories of these difficult people and strategies for dealing with them in all walks of life.

In this document, I will reflect on the definition of difficult people, the course of study used to gain insight into this topic, the connections between personality types and difficult behaviors, and present my thoughts on redemptive strategies for dealing with difficult people.

2. Defining the Problem of Difficult People

In my studies, I read a number of books specifically on defining difficult people in and outside the church. It was interesting that none of the required books really gave a sense that there was real hope in changing the behavior of a difficult person. Here is a brief summary of the books I included in this study:

Kenneth C. Haugk's Antagonists in the Church¹ presents a rather pessimistic view of relating to various types of difficult people, which he labels "antagonists". In his opinion, such antagonists are terminal cases.
Marshall Shelley's Well-Intentioned Dragons² follows a similar course of describing the various types of difficult people while presenting a somewhat more redemptive view. Shelley at least describes several situations where a "dragon" turned into a normal person. He failed to reflect on the process which resulted in the change -- an unfortunate omission (perhaps he will write another book on this topic?).
Robert M. Bramson's Coping With Difficult People³, as the title suggests, merely covers techniques for coping with a difficult person. He openly admits his purpose is not to address the ability or approach to changing a difficult person.⁴
Tim LaHaye's Transforming Your Temperament⁵ takes a Christ-centered, biblically-based view of basic personality types, including strengths and weaknesses of each. This provided me with a better understanding of people and personalities as a context for studying about difficult people.
Tom Allen's Congregations in Conflict⁶ addresses the various types of disruption in the church caused by difficult people as well as strategies for managing and overcoming the conflicts that ensue.
Larry Crabb's Connecting⁷ is a book that at least identifies a redemptive component that is lacking in the other books.

From this core set of books, I learned that difficult people are difficult people because they are difficult -- therefore they cannot change because then they would no longer be difficult people. So it is useless to try and change them. One can only learn to "cope".

Apart from the ridiculous circular logic, this notion certainly contradicts the strategy of redemptive love our Savior put in motion at the cross. If "His blood can make the vilest sinner clean" and "There is power, power, wonder-working power in the blood of the Lamb" as the old gospel hymns proclaim -- and it is so -- then we as ministers of the good word of God must believe and work toward that end. This means that there is always hope in the power of God to change even the most difficult "dragon". Perhaps we do need to cope at times. But coping should never be the end of our work in relating to a difficult person. The end of our work should always be to view that person as God views them -- a special human being made in the image of God to be made new in Christ and conformed to His character.

3. Connection Between Personality Types and Difficult People

While there are many different categorizations proposed, Tim LaHaye uses the four types of:

Sanguine -- the cheerful, warm, people-loving, extrovert.
Choleric -- the strong-willed, self-sufficient task master.
Melancholy -- the analytical, emotional, perfectionist.
Phlegmatic -- the calm, easy-going, introvert.⁸

The point of interest in dealing with difficult people is that their basic personality type has inherent strengths and weaknesses. Both the strengths and weaknesses can make for difficult people depending on the situation. In a church setting, a Sanguine person who must plan and forecast the budget may eagerly say "Yes, I'll do it!" but will quickly become restless and procrastinate. The Choleric in a goals-setting session which requires collaboration and group consensus will demand that his vision or solution be implemented at once. The Melancholy person in a critical leadership position may be unable to take decisive action, causing frustration and conflict for all those involved. The Phlegmatic may appear to cooperate in a group ministry situation, initially going along with the crowd. His desire to be merely a spectator in life will bring resentment and a passive resistance to such efforts which require involvement with other people.

Ingrid Wagler of Trinity College and Seminary offers this categorization:⁹

The "direct" group includes hostile-aggressives and complainers.
The "indirect" group includes passive-resistors and people-pleasers.

While any person/personality type has the potential to become a difficult person in any of these categories, one can certainly see a tendency for Choleric persons to become hostile-aggressives, Sanguines to engage in people-pleasing, Phlegmatics to become passive-resistors, or Melancholy persons to be complainers.

This is a useful insight from a ministry perspective. It points out the need to be careful in assigning people to various roles in the church when their personality type is not appropriate. At a minimum, such a situation would need to be monitored more closely than when an individual's personality type was appropriate for the task at hand.

4. Redemptive Strategies For Difficult People

Another pressing issue in my own ministry is understanding how to work with difficult people to bring about positive changes. A difficult person will disrupt fellowship, disable unity within the church body, and ruin relationships with specific individuals. These are grievous consequences of a difficult person's behavior. While there are many specific techniques to be learned for coping with difficult people, there are few focused on redemptive strategies. The most obvious and powerful strategy for redemption is the power of love -- the love which sent our LORD Jesus Christ to the cross. His mission of love provided redemption for all who will call on His name. It was an outreach to the unlovable, difficult people who reject their Creator. This must be a model for our own ministry to difficult people.

The following examples from my own experience -- both good and bad -- will serve to illustrate the possibilities for redemption.

A. Disruptions in Fellowship

One family joined our church fellowship but quickly gained a bad reputation in the couples Sunday School program. The husband seemed to enjoy asking the teacher "tough" questions during the lessons to the point of hindering the teacher's message to the class. Since the fellowship has a history of being cordial and polite to all, no one ever discussed this with them -- they simply ignored them. Being ignored seemed to stimulate his tendency to provoke the teacher and the class. Imagine my delight in finding this out as I reviewed the new class roll along with my director. As a teacher, I encourage dialog during the lessons to help people think through what God is saying to them. I could see in advance that would be a difficult thing to manage with such a person in the class.

When faced with a difficult person in one's fellowship, it pays to get to know them. How can you effectively minister to anyone without understanding who they are and what they need? Rather than continuing the present practice of ignoring this couple, I decided to live out Jesus' command to love them, period. My wife and I spent the time getting to know them. I found myself engaged in many deep and sticky doctrinal conversations with the husband. In teaching the first few months, I also received many difficult questions from him. I did my best to be responsive yet not lose track in delivering the message. Every time he would speak, I could see many people in the class roll their eyes impatiently. Yet, the thing I found interesting is that, over time, the more this couple felt loved by us the less he provoked the class with difficult questions. After several months in the class, other people began to love them also. We became close friends, even to this day. He let me know that before they came to our class, they were ready to leave the church. He and his family did not experience the love of Christ until people reached out to them. His difficult behavior was not intended to be antagonistic (though it seemed to be to others) -- he had a deep faith in God and desired that others grow deeper in their own faith. The questions, to him, were intended to spark discussion, debate, and, most importantly, growth. As I got to know him, I found myself studying and preparing more, anticipating the controversial questions he might ask. This was a victory for me as a teacher, for the class that learned to love the unlovable, and for a family that was almost pushed away. May the name of the LORD God be praised forever!

B. Disabled Unity

In another situation, a "doctrinal dragon" emerged within our fellowship. This person was warm and affirming to anyone who agreed with sound doctrine -- that is, her doctrine. She and her husband joined our class and quickly got involved as care group leaders. She insisted on having certain families in her group. Since the care groups were formed in geographic boundaries, we tried to accommodate her while insisting that she also include certain families close to her home. It became obvious that she had certain "friends" in the class which, on the surface, is not a bad thing. Yet it was equally obvious that she ONLY had those friends and would not open up her heart or her life to admit anyone else. Over time, it was clear that only certain individuals agreed with her legalistic doctrine and even fewer lived up to her standards. This interfered with the unity of our fellowship. She made plans on her own with her small circle of friends. When the class decided as a group to do something that she did not like or desire, she would not participate. She encouraged others not to participate. Her small circle of friends, of course, followed her in this defiance. Others in the class saw what was going on and were quite dismayed.

My approach to dealing with this growing problem was to confront her privately. Haugk disagrees with this approach¹⁰ insisting you should not meet with an antagonist if possible; otherwise, always let the antagonist ask for a meeting so you can control the situation. This approach is flawed for it allows no option to resolve the problem nor to redeem the individual. I do, however, see his wisdom in making a definite appointment time for the meeting.

I failed to make an appointment for this purpose. One Wednesday evening, when it was convenient for me, I caught her in the hall and asked to speak with her. She was still warm and affirming at this point. I shared with her my desire for a fellowship that is constantly reaching in and reaching out to people. She agreed, pointing out her work in the care group. Her work engaged a small circle of friends, I pointed out, and did not seem to be inclusive. Here she revealed her "doctrinal dragon" nature: she would only befriend those who were committed Christians! In reality, this meant that they agreed with all her "biblically-based" views. I attempted, in vain, to help her understand the commandment to "love one another" (John 13:34, NIV) ended with a period -- no constraints, no boundaries, no exclusivity. She simply would not listen. Obviously, I was wrong because I disagreed with her "biblically-based" view of Christian fellowship. This problem ended in a stalemate. I could not convince her and she would not change. The spontaneous nature of the meeting allowed it to end with no outcome and no action plan.

As I reflect on this situation, I see what should have done differently. Understanding her nature, I could have spent less time helping her understand my view -- this seemed to be a time-waster for this type of difficult person. A better use of that time would have been to help others in the class learn to reach out to her and love her in spite of this irritating quality. Perhaps she would learn that not everyone is "bad" who disagrees with her. Perhaps she would learn to respect others who disagreed with her rather than looking down at them. Experiencing the love of others in the fellowship would seem to have greater impact on a doctrinal dragon that going "toe-to-toe" on Bible verses. As the Apostle Peter pointed out, "And above all things have fervent love for one another, for 'love will cover a multitude of sins'" (1 Pet 4:8, NKJV). This has the advantage of being not only a coping strategy but a redemptive strategy based on the truth and the love of Christ. Even if the difficult person never responds, the people in the fellowship will grow deeper in faith and in their walk with Christ.

C. Ruined Relationships

The most grievous part of dealing with a difficult person in a church fellowship is the ruination of relationships. Disrupting group plans, hindering the fellowship, and disabling unity in the body are all serious problems. But the worst of all is when the relationship between two individuals is irreparably broken. Two people have infinite capacity to share a bond of love through the Holy Spirit no matter what their upbringing or culture might be. To break such a fellowship is unthinkable. Yet people tire of dealing with a person who acts unreasonably over such long period of time. The wounds of insults, strife, snobbery, and other boorish behavior run deep. Many find it easier to simply run away from the problem.

Such broken fellowship is inevitable when the committed Christian loses his or her commitment in the situation. If the committed Christian in the relationship gives up, what hope for redemption is there? It is certain that shutting the door to one who is hard to love will never help. The example of our LORD here is startling: even as Judas brought the Roman soldiers to arrest Him, Jesus called this betrayer "Friend". (Matt. 26:50, NKJV) Is that the kind of commitment that will win over a difficult person? Perhaps it will and maybe it will not. In any case, it will demonstrate to the LORD and to the world your own faithfulness to Christ. And it always offers the hope of redemption. Ultimately, a positive response to the Holy Spirit resides within the difficult person. This outcome is in God's hands. Our job is to remain faithful in spite of whatever insults, persecution, injustice, or false accusations we receive in the process.

5. Redemption and Discipline

Is there a point where the strategy of redemptive love for a difficult person breaks down? Clearly, there is a biblical mandate for church discipline. (Matt. 18:15-17; 1 Cor. 5:1-13; Titus 3:9-11) The cases involve obvious sin by one who claims the name of Christ yet flagrantly disregards the clear commands of Scripture. In such a case, church discipline is necessary. The New Testament reveals several instances of gross sin (1 Cor. 5:1-13) and divisiveness (Titus 3:10-11) which require the person to be disfellowshiped from the Church.

It is important to keep redemption as the clear focus of such discipline. In so doing, you demonstrate love at its finest; without a redemptive focus, you join the throngs of the Pharisees who enact justice without mercy. When Jesus spoke of the process for discipline (Matt. 18:15-17), He immediately followed this with specific teaching on the necessity for forgiveness. (Matt. 18:18-35) The ultimate purpose of discipline is to redeem rather than simply condemn.

6. Strategies for Redemption

Perhaps there needs to be a general strategy for acting redemptively toward difficult people. While I have not personally done the depth of research in this area necessary to develop a process, I do see several areas where redemptive strategies can be employed. These activities are usually involved in dealing with difficult people:

A. Identification
B. Coping
C. Counseling
D. Connecting
E. Disciplining

In each of these activities, redemptive strategies can be employed to help the difficult person rise above his dysfunction.

A. Identification

Kenneth Haugk presents a good set of criteria to use in identifying potential "hard-core" antagonists. This includes such general character traits as negative self-concept, narcissism, aggression, rigidity, and authoritarianism. Common observations of difficult people also include some degree of paranoia and anti-social behavior.¹¹ These character traits are supplemented with various "red-flag" conditions which, when observed, require caution.¹² Once a situation has revealed a genuine difficult person -- not to be confused with someone simply having a bad day -- the particular aberrant behavior can then be addressed through appropriate redemptive strategies. Another point made by Haugk¹³ and Bramson¹⁴ is the danger of relating to people in terms of labels -- identification relates to observed behaviors in individuals. If you look to categorize everyone you meet in terms of difficult people types, you risk becoming one yourself.

B. Coping

Dr. Bramson's work in coping techniques is a fine place to start in learning to deal with difficult people. Chapters two through eight are specific and practical suggestions for seven common types of difficult people. It is important that this not be the end of the process. If we only choose to cope, then we have accepted failure in relating to this person who drives us crazy. There is great victory to be won through the work of Jesus Christ in your own life and in the life of the difficult person. The strategy is to cope while you plan and implement redemptive strategies for this person.

C. Counseling

Difficult people need solid biblical counseling in order to change their ways. God's word offers much counsel on the need for good relationships and how to relate properly toward one another. The method of confronting such a person for counsel needs planning. Certain situations where the difficult person is a highly influential member of the local church require the utmost of prudence and tact. Nevertheless, we are commanded to try and help people back to the full fellowship of the LORD and His Church. (Gal. 6:1-2) Many a brother or sister in Christ can be turned around when confronted with clear, biblical teaching. Though the difficult person may not initially accept such admonitions, we cannot discount the convicting work of the Holy Spirit promised by our LORD. (John 16:8-13)

D. Connecting

The one thing which is striking about our culture today is the lack of intimacy between people, especially in the Church. Mega-churches and the emphasis on numerical growth have not helped in this area. Perhaps if there were more intimacy in the Church, divisive issues and difficult people would not be quite as destructive. The concept of community-connectedness suggested by Mrs. Wagler¹⁵ is an interesting approach that may help control a difficult person's behavior. This is not to suggest an Adlerian solution.¹⁶ The redemptive connection will always be the individual-connectedness -- two people who share intimate, Christian friendship made possible through the common bond of the Holy Spirit. This is the goal we should seek in redeeming difficult people. You can be disruptive to a group much easier and far longer than you can to your own close friend. As the Bible makes clear, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend..." (Prov 27:6, NKJV). Such relationships need to be taught, modeled, and encouraged in our churches.

E. Disciplining

Biblical church discipline (Matthew 18:15-20) is sorely lacking in churches today. No one really wants to be accountable to another. Nor do people want to risk potential lawsuits as a result of accusations made publicly before the church (after requisite private disciplinary steps have been taken). Yet the whole counsel of God must be believed, taught, and practiced if a local church will ever reach its full potential. Difficult people make trouble which will typically require such discipline. In highly influential positions, the need is even greater. The Apostle Paul wrote that even elders in the church may require public reproof because they are leaders in the congregation (1 Tim. 5:19-20). From a redemptive standpoint, discipline is necessary. It should not be conducted in order to drive the person away from the church (this only gets rid of your problem while most likely creating one for another church somewhere down the road). To correct their sinful practice, redemption of the individual must be pursued as the overall goal of any disciplinary effort.

There is much more to be learned in dealing with difficult people. It is certain that difficult people will always be around and appear when you least expect them. They are the "heavenly sandpaper" in our lives the Holy Spirit uses to help us become more Christ-like. So with His abiding presence, experience will be the best classroom in which to truly apply the knowledge and techniques from this course.

Redemption, I am convinced, is always a possibility. The Bible reveals that love covers a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8). Surely the behavior of difficult people is included in this. Community-connectedness could help to control such behavior. Yet, individual connectedness is the key to change. A "hard-core" difficult person may find perverse satisfaction in being ostracized for his behavior, thinking his persecution is because of his faith in Christ. It is hard to take such a "me versus the world" stand when someone you are intimately close to in Christian friendship tells you of your disruptive ways. By striving to implement redemptive strategies, you shine the light and love of Christ into the soul of a difficult person. In this holy process, whatever pain you experience from dealings with the difficult person will surely lessen as you realize the "fellowship of His sufferings" (Phil. 3:10, NKJV). Jesus did no less for you; you can do no more and no less for others.

End Notes:

Haugk, Kenneth C. Antagonists in the Church. Augsburg Publishing House: Minneapolis, Minnesota. Copyright 1988.
Shelley, Marshall. Well-Intentioned Dragons. Bethany House Publishers: Minneapolis, Minnesota. Copyright 1985 by Christianity Today, Inc.
Bramson, Robert M., Ph.D. Coping With Difficult People. Dell Publishing: New York, New York. Copyright 1981.
Ibid. pp. 6-7.
LaHaye, Tim. Transforming Your Temperament. Inspirational Press: New York. Published 1991 in three volumes: Spirit-Controlled Temperament, copyright 1966; Transformed Temperaments, copyright 1971; Why You Act the Way You Do, copyright 1984.
Allen, Tom. Congregations in Conflict. Christian Publications: Camp Hill, Pennsylvania. Copyright 1991.
LaHaye, p. 16.
Wagler, Ingrid. "Dealing With Difficult People." Asheville, North Carolina. Trinity College and Seminary Seminar on 6/5/98.
Haugk, pp. 128-129.
Ibid., pp. 61-64.
Ibid., pp. 69-79.
Ibid., p. 60.
Bramson, p. 160.
Wagler, Study Notes, p. 2.
Alfred Adler suggests that one of the key problems with the "mentally ill" is that they have lost a sense of community. The "feeling" of community is necessary, according to Adler, for both community and individual development. With all due respect to Alder, such community-connectedness cannot exist for long without a power source to enable it. The fallen nature of man precludes unselfish, sacrificial love for others on an ongoing basis. For the Christian, such love is actually possible and normative through the Holy Spirit. For the unbeliever, such selfless devotion to others is not normative, however badly it is needed.